//its Aiza
Rapunzel here ;)

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4 a.m Heart Talk

It’s 4 a.m in the morning. Brian McKnight’s Marry Your Daughter is playing in the background. And my mind is filled with the thoughts of him. This song became his favourite instantly after I sent it to him. He wanted to forward it to my dad. But it's all over now. Nothing is left but memories of us. 

How many times have I pushed away the fact that I miss him, that I miss what we had? How many times have I stopped myself from being sad? How many times have I denied the fact that I still love him? How many times have I swallowed back my tears? I stopped, forbid even, myself from feeling lost. From feeling all the hurt. I acted as if his words, his actions don't hurt me. I could hear my heart rips every time he says something bad about me, every time he talks about her. I died inside but I pretended that I was okay, I was not affected by it, I was not hurt. 

Every time I feel like crying, I feel like being sad, my mind is filled with the thought of him being happy with someone else. Why should I be sad when he's happy with her? Why should I cry when he's laughing there? Why should I miss him when all he thinks about is her? These questions stop me every time. Even when I force myself to cry, just to let go of the burden, the tears wont come. I'd sit blinking in the dark with the memories of him playing in my mind. 

2 months passed and yet, I still feel the pain. It's rather unfair how things turn out. I'm here feeling all miserable but trying hard to conceal that. While he's there happily badmouthing me. As if the break up was my fault. As if I was the one who left. As if I was the only one with the mistakes. It's unfair. And it makes me sad - mad even - that he fails to see that. I'm not sure why. Why he's so blinded by hatred to me that he doesn't see the good in me anymore. Why he's so consumed by ego that he only sees my wrongs and not his. How did he change so much? Why did he change so much? This is not the boy I fell in love with. I know something in him changed.

He wont listen to anything I said. He wont see the truth in it. He's blinded by hatred. So blind. He couldn't even talk to me normally, even. Why? Am I that bad? Am I that horrible? What did I do that makes him hate me so much? What did I do that makes him badmouthing me without a slight of guilt? Where have all the love gone? The pain I'm feeling is indescribable. Sometimes I'm mad, sometimes I'm sad. It's all mixed up. And I fought hard against it. But now I'm tired. Tired of pretending. Tired of being strong. Can I just give up now? 

God, ease the pain away.
God, make him see again. 
God, save him. 
God, help me.