Rapunzel here ;)
I have been in a crappy mood these past few weeks. And today, here i am on these uncomfortable red chairs, trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me.
I have been a complete ass to YenMen these past few weeks, especially when he's about to go out and live his life. Doing stuff normal guys do. My mood got even crappier when he said the words "im going out for awhile". I really dont wanna be those kind of girls who controls their boyfriends, who clings so tight on them (tho, i am clingy). On normal days, well most of the time, i would just let him go out. Because it means that i get some time to myself too.
But lately.... Haih.... So last night i laid in bed, blinking in the dark, trying to figure out myself. Cant always blame the hormones can we? I was contemplating all the possible reasons. He already spent the whole day texting me, what's wrong with going out for a few hours right?
Then it hit me...
It's not enough. Texts and calls are no longer enough.
I need him to be constantly physically present. I need to be able to see him always, whenever i want. I need him to be here. Texts and calls are no longer enough. I need him to always be here.
Yep, long distance relationship sucks. But times are tough, asking him to come see me as often as he could just feels wrong. I just gotta live with what i have.
But living everyday life surrounded by couples everywhere make me ache his presence.
I really cant do this anymore.
Chapter 24 : Surprise!
Pintu lif terbuka di tingkat 9. Alisha melangkah keluar dengan ceria sambil menyanyi kecil. Hatinya begitu riang kerana hari ini adalah hari jadinya. Ibunya telah memintanya pulang ke rumah untuk sama-sama menyambut hari kelahirannya. Namun, dek kerana tugasan yang banyak, Alisha tidak dapat pulang ke rumah lebih awal. Tugasannya masih belum selesan tapi dia tinggalkan juga. Kerana hari ini adalah hari istimewanya dan dia mahu bergembira!
Langkah Alisha bertukar perlahan dan nyanyiannya mati apabila dia terlihatkan deretan kasut yang banyak di hadapan pintu rumahnya. Ini maknanya ada tetamu di rumah. Wah, mesti Mummy buat surprise party untuk aku! Getus hati Alisha. Entah siapalah yang datang ni... Fikir Alisha sebelum menekan loceng rumah itu. Tidak lama kemudian, pintu kayu itu terkuak dan terjengul wajah ibunya.
"Haa! Sampai pun. Lambatnya balik," sapa ibunya, Puan Niza. Alisha hanya tersengih dan melangkah masuk. Baru beberapa langkah, Alisha terkaku. Dia melihat tetamu yang ada. Hafiy! Keluarga Hafiy juga ada di situ. Kemainnya nak celebrate birthday aku sampai family Hafiy pun ada sama. Ibunya menggesa Alisha yang keras di muka pintu itu untuk segera bersalam dengan tetamu yang ada. Alisha masih kebingungan namun diturutkan juga perintah ibunya.
Usai bersalam, Alisha meminta diri untuk ke biliknya sebentar bagi meletakkan barang-barangnya. Puan Niza mengikuti Alisha ke bilik. Alisha baru sahaja hendak membuka mulut, bertanya mengapa keluarga Hafiy juga ada di situ, apabila Puan Niza menghulurkan sepasang baju kurung moden kepadanya. Baju rayanya 2 tahun lepas. Berwarna ungu dan kain mermaid cut yang meleret di belakang. "Pakai baju ni," kata Puan Niza.
"Why?" soal Alisha. Ketika itulah dia perasan bahawa Puan Niza juga berbaju kurung. Keluarganya dan tetamu di ruang tamu rumah itu juga berpakaian cantik. Baju kurung buat perempuan dan kemeja buat lelaki. Alisha semakin pelik. What is going on?
"Barulah lawa nak ambik gambar," balas Puan Niza.
"Hah?" Alisha menggelengkan kepalanya, semakin bingung dengan jawapan ibunya. Namun, disarung juga baju itu ke badannya. Sehelai selendang berwarna sedondon dengan baju itu dicapainya dan disarung ke kepala.
"Kenapa family Hafiy pun ada sekali?" tanya Alisha yang sedang cuba melilitkan selendang itu.
"Diorang datang nak pinang kakak lah." Jawapan Puan Niza membuatkan Alisha tergamam. Kepalanya tiba-tiba terasa pusing. Jantungnya bagaikan terhenti. Lidahnya kelu dan bibirnya terasa kering. Alisha benar-benar terkejut! Belum pun sempat dia mencerna kata-kata ibunya, Puan Niza sudah menarik Alisha keluar dari bilik. Alisha bergerak umpama robot, melakukan sahaja apa yang disuruh. Disuruh duduk, dia duduk. Disuruh hulurkan tangan untuk disarung cincin, dia hulur. Segalanya berlaku dengan kabur. Alisha masih tidak dapat percaya dengan apa yang sedang berlaku.
"Since mummy, daddy and Hafiy dah tahu sangat apa yang kakak nak, kitorang dah siap bincang semua benda. Kalau ada yang tak puas hati lagi ke, nanti kita boleh bincang lagi," kata Encik Kamal, bapa Alisha, cuba menerangkan kepada Alisha. Tetamu di sekeliling Alisha juga mengangguk tanda setuju.
"Jadi, daripada tadi kitorang cuma tunggu kakak balik untuk sarung cincin je," sambung Encik Kamal.
"That is, if you agree, if you are willing to accept my proposal lah," sampuk Hafiy. Alisha rasa dia mungkin telah mengangguk tanda setuju atau mungkin mengukir segaris senyuman kerana tidak lama kemudian, sebentuk cincin tersemat di jari manisnya. Alisha tidak ingat, dia tidak sedar apa yang sedang berlaku. Dia masih terkejut, masih kebingungan.
Mereka sedang asyik menikmati juadah yang terhidang apabila Alisha yang sedang menguis-nguis kek di dalam pinggannya ditegur oleh Hafiy. "Kenapa ni? You seem kind of spaced out. Tak happy ke?" Alisha mendongak dan membalas teguran Hafiy dengan segaris senyuman.
"Happy je..." balas Alisha pendek, masih melayan perasaannya.
"Habis tu? Nak sembang dekat luar tak?"
"Takkan nak tinggal je majlis? Tak elok lah..."
Hafiy bangun meninggalkan Alisha. Dia menghampiri Puan Niza dan ibunya yang sedang asyik bersembang. Alisha hanya memerhati. Seketika kemudian, dia menarik Alisha keluar dari rumah itu. Alisha masih membantah namun apabila dia menjelaskan bahawa dia sudah mendapat kebenaran daripada kedua-dua ibu mereka, Alisha akur. Dia membawa Alisha turun ke kawasan kolam renang apartment itu. Dia tahu betapa Alisha sukakan air dan akan membuatnya rasa tenang.
"Okay, spill. Apa yang tak kena?" soal Hafiy sebaik saja mereka melabuhkan punggung.
"Why me....?" Perlahan suara Alisha bertanya. Matanya merenung air di kolam dan fikirannya melayang. Dia tidak mengerti kenapa Hafiy memilihnya. Kotak memorinya memainkan peristiwa di mana dia menengking Hafiy, hanya kerana Hafiy tidak dapat menunaikan permintaannya. Dia teringat juga saat dia menghalau Hafiy pulang sedangkan Hafiy sanggup datang dari jauh semata-mata untuk memujuknya. Fikirannya penuh dengan memori tentang perbuatannya, perangainya yang teruk. Alisha selalu menjadi punca berlakunya pergaduhan antara mereka. Air mata Alisha mula bertakung.
"Why not you?" balas Hafiy.
"Sebab I teruk. I've done so many horrible things to you. I tak pernah nak dengar cakap you. I selalu tinggi suara dekat you. I tak pernah nak faham you. And macam-macam lagilah. Macam yang you pernah cakap before this lah."
"So you still nak kahwin dengan I? Even after all that horrible things I did?"
"Yep." Jawab Hafiy selamba.
"Why?" Alisha masih tidak faham.
"Because..." Hafiy membuka bicara, mengalih punggungnya supaya dia duduk berhadapan dengan Alisha. "...all those things doesn't change my love for you. Of course lah, I nak you berubah, stop buat perangai macam tu. Tapi kalau dah itu diri you, I kena terima. I love all of you, the good and the bad." Alisha memandang wajah Hafiy dan tersenyum.
"Actually kan," sambung Hafiy. "Your good side is very good. You are not all bad. You je suka buat perangai, lagi suka tunjuk your bad side."
Alisha tergelak kecil sebelum membalas, "True".
"So, sayang, faham dah?"
"Being with you is hard. But no matter how hard it is, how horrible you are, it won't change what I feel for you. I tetap sayang you. Today, tomorrow, forever and always. Macam laut tak pernah meninggalkan pantai. Bulan tak pernah meninggalkan bumi. Bintang tak pernah meninggalkan langit. Dan I takkan pernah tinggalkan you." Hafiy mencuit hidung Alisha setelah habis berkata-kata.
"Poet much?" Alisha tertawa besar. Boleh tahan jugak mamat ni kalau mula berjiwang sendu bagai.
"Takdelah. Tu skrip movie indon I tengok semalam." Jawapan Hafiy membuatkan Alisha tertawa lebih besar. Hafiy bangun dan mengajak Alisha naik semula ke rumah. Lama juga mereka tinggalkan majlis.
"Oh, by the way, happy birthday cik tunang," ucap Hafiy. Alisha tersenyum lebar mendengar perkataan 'tunang' itu. Memang dah lama dia nantikan saat itu.
"Why on my birthday and why a crown-shaped ring?"
"Sebab you yang mintak and sebab you're a princess."
Alisha terkejut mendengar jawapan Hafiy. Sungguh, dia tidak menyangka Hafiy masih ingat akan permintaannya itu. Permintaan yang dibuat ketika mereka masih baru berkenalan. Permintaan yang Alisha minta dilupakan kerana ia terlalu keterlaluan. Permintaan yang kini telah ditunaikan. Alisha tersenyum menatap Hafiy. "Thank you Allah... For giving me this man. Syukur alhamdulillah."
Heart Talk July 15 part 2 : Beautiful Man
I wanted to write about you.
But no words can do it justice.
You are too beautiful for any words to describe.
But here I am, trying anyway.
I gazed at you,
While you're busy chattering away about the things I couldn't care less.
Drinking in every single features of you.
Your perfectly shaped eyebrows.
Your beautiful long lashes.
And how they crinkle when you smile.
The shape of your nose.
Your lips, dark from the years of smoking.
And those beauty marks on your right cheek and the corner of your lips.
The tiny stubble on your chin.
Your imperfect teeth.
I took them all in.
Thinking, "My goodness, this man is beautiful".
I thought of the way you smile when you first saw me.
The way you treat me.
The way you hold me.
The way you kiss my hands.
The way you caress my cheeks.
The way you kiss my head.
With such gentleness.
With such tenderness.
With so much love.
And I can't help but fall in love with you all over again.
Your 'I love you', though inaudible,
I swear, made my heart skipped a beat.
You left me speechless,
Thinking how lucky I am.
What did I do to deserve you?
You were nervous, flustered, sweaty-palms and all.
Afraid of the date being a disaster.
But really, I was having the time of my life.
You tried hard to impress me.
But all I wanted was to spend the time with you,
Wherever we are, lost or not.
And you tried to change my mind about you.
Telling me how you're a bad person.
Telling me how much you flawed.
But honey, I love you, flaws and all.
And you are more than perfect to me.
You're my angel, my saving grace.
Forget your past.
Just be with me now,
And let us build a future together.
Because it's all about you and I now.
And no matter how hard things get,
I will never leave your side.
I know the future is uncertain,
But right now, I'm in love with you
And you're mine.
And we're together.
That's all that matters.
See? I suck at this.
Heart Talk July 15 : Three Musketeers
Earlier this year, I made a promise to myself, out of disappointment and hurt of the past break up, that I would not be with a guy in a serious relationship for a year. For the entire of 2015. I’m just gonna focus on improving myself and spend more time on myself. Just enjoy being free. And I kinda like it. Tho loneliness would come creeping in every now and then but I’m fine, happy.
Then God tested me. I met Mejar, who asked for my hand in marriage and he’s someone I couldn’t resist. Because he is and has everything I have ever wanted for in a man. Mummy and Daddy were okay with it and I would just go along. God knows best. And not long after, he went missing in action. I was disappointed but at that time, I can’t afford to feel anything. I took it as a reminder of that promise I made.
All sorts of guys came along after that. Proud to say, I don’t have the heart or feelings to be anything more than friends with them. Until this three musketeers appear….
They are the reason I’m writing tonight.
Dutchman : Qawiem type of guy. Wears mostly branded clothes and really really really extremely love to show off. It’s annoying but he has some other great quality to him. He drinks coffee and hangs around in coffee shops. Definitely the kind of guy I’d love to be on a date with. And he did openly state his desire to make me his - to flirt and shower with sweet talks.
375378 : A cadet. One I’ve been wanting, waiting for so long. We said we’d be best friends but we flirt with each other constantly. A complete opposite of Dutchman. A very nice guy to talk to, he’d listen to everything I say, just like best friends do. We did a heart to heart talk sesh and he admitted that he’s not into relationships anymore. He locked his heart shut, tight.
Roku : Funny how I can’t describe this guy. Lulz. A really really really great guy to talk to. We sorta have a same track of mind - differing opinions do happen. Very, very, very supportive. I’m writing again because of him. He said he did have a little hope of being more, but for some reasons, he’s not going for it.
I’m not used to dealing with this kind of things. I’ve had friends, people, asking for my advice when it comes to this. But I’ve never experienced it myself. And usually I’d say, “Close your eyes, imagine your future…. Who do you see yourself with?” Now, time to take my own advice.
I really dont wanna hurt anybody. I may have been giving hope to them without meaning to. That’s why I’m torn. I would love to keep all of them. As my friend, best friend or something. But I know, at least one would go if he ever finds out about this.
Man, i suck at this. Dang it!
And i’m afraid to go on another relationship. Not because I havent move on from Od yet, but because I dont wanna screw up again. I dont wanna lose someone great again. But keeping it as we are now….. is tough. Something uncertain is never pleasant.
God, help me.
I closed my eyes and I saw….
The tall, dark and handsome one. ;)
P/S : ive been thinking about him all the time im writing this.
Chapter 1 : The Break Up.
“It’s better if we just break up. Bye, Sha.” Talian diputuskan. Alisha tergamam. Dia jatuh terduduk berhampiran katilnya, cuba menghadam apa yang baru saja berlaku. Dengan tangan menggeletar, dia cuba mendail nombor itu kembali. “Maaf, nombor yang anda dail tidak dapat dihubungi.” Air matanya mula bertakung. Dia cuba lagi. Masih sama. Air matanya mengalir lebih laju setiap kali dia cuba mendail nombor itu. Dia cuba juga menghantar mesej. Tiada jawapan.
Fahamlah Alisha bahawa ini benar-benar terjadi. Rauf telah membawa dirinya pergi dan tak akan kembali lagi. Alisha berbaring, masih menatap telefonnya, berharap Rauf akan menelefon dirinya dan segalanya akan kembali seperti biasa. Namun, tiada. Dia meringkuk di atas katil, menangis semahu-mahunya. Lencun patung berbentuk dolphin itu dek air matanya. Bertalu-talu makian buat diri sendiri dihamburnya. Marah dengan diri sendiri yang begitu bodoh. Kalau tak berbangkit isu itu, tak akan terjadi perpisahan ini.
Ting! Ting! Ting! Telefonnya berbunyi, tanda ada mesej masuk. Cepat-cepat dilihat skrin itu, berharap bahawa itu mesej daripada Rauf. Tapi, hampa. Nama Shaf tertera pada skrin. “Kau pergi tak kelas petang ni?” Memikirkan kelas yang akan bermula dalam masa setengah jam lagi, Alisha gagahkan juga dirinya untuk bangun dan bersiap. Hatinya sakit dan matanya enggan berhenti menangis. Payah rasanya hendak melangkah keluar dari bilik itu. “Pergi…. But I’m not okay…..” balasnya kepada Shaf.
“Kenapa?” soal Shaf.
“Em…. Rauf just broke up with me……” Alisha tidak dapat menahan sebaknya dan kembali menangis. Dia cuba mencari kekuatan untuk berhenti menangis dan bangun ke kelas. Mesej dari Shaf yang baru masuk dibiarkan tak berbalas. Nantilah cerita dengan semua. Alisha turun dari blok kediamannya dengan mata dan hidung merah, laju saja mata rakan-rakannya menangkap keadaannya itu.
“Eh kau kenapa ni?” soal Biah. Alisha hanya tersenyum segaris, mengatakan bahawa dia akan menceritakan segalanya lepas kelas nanti. Biah hanya mengangguk tanda faham. Perjalanan mereka ke kelas tidak seceria selalu petang itu. Alisha dibiarkan melayan perasaannya dan rakan-rakannya dibiarkan tertanya-tanya.
Kelas selama 2 jam itu berlalu begitu saja, Alisha sikit pun tidak menumpukan perhatian. Fikirannya masih memikirkan Rauf, hatinya bercerlaru dan tangannya tidak henti mendail nombor Rauf. Tapi masih operator yang menjawab, tanda Rauf masih mematikan telefonnya. Alisha tidak berhenti menyalahkan dirinya sendiri. Bodoh! Bodoh! Bodoh! Kalau kau tak sibuk bangkitkan isu cincin tu tak akan jadi macam ni! Kalau kau tak sibuk nak jealous, insecure dengan ex dia, tak akan jadi macam ni! Bodoh! You should have behaved yourself.
Kerana kebodohan dirinya, hubungan yang terjalin selama setahun itu berakhir begitu saja. Degil. Sudah banyak kali bertekak, dimarahi Rauf kerana sibuk hendak membicarakan hal yang dah lepas, tapi masih juga degil. Masih juga bertanyakan soal Anis, bekas kekasih Rauf. Masih juga membandingkan diri sendiri dengan Anis. Sekarang ditinggalkan, padan muka!
Sudah banyak kali sebenarnya mereka bergaduh dan berura-ura untuk memutuskan hubungan. Tetapi, Alisha tetap berdegil dan berusaha untuk mempertahankan hubungan itu, kerana sayang. Setahun, banyak yang mereka lakukan bersama, kongsikan bersama. Bila tiba-tiba berakhir, terasa seperti separuh jiwa Alisha hilang. Fikirannya, hidupnya penuh dengan Rauf, apa saja yang dilakukannya pasti akan teringatkan Rauf.
Malam itu, usai bercerita dengan rakan-rakannya, Alisha menangis teruk lagi. Dia akhirnya mengambil keputusan untuk meminta ibunya datang dan mengambilnya pulang ke rumah. Dia tidak mahu bersendirian, risau jika dia kembali menelan ubat melebihi dos, risau jika dia kembali menoreh tangan dan tempat terbaik untuknya sekarang adalah dalam pelukan ibunya. Dengan tersedu-sedu, dia mendail nombor ibunya. Dia cuba menahan suara agar ibunya tidak tahu bahawa dia sedang menangis.
“Kakak, are you okay?” soal ibunya. Ternyata, firasat seorang ibu itu lebih kuat. Alisha tidak dapat menahan perasaannya.
“I’m not… Can you take me home now please?” rayu Alisha.
“Okay, kejap lagi mummy sampai.”
Dua hari, Alisha menangis di dalam pelukan ibunya. Dua hari, Alisha hanya tidur, tidak bangun, tidak makan. Rumah yang biasanya diserikan oleh Alisha, jadi hambar. Dipujuk ibunya, adiknya dan bapanya dengan pelbagai cara, namun dia tetap tidak punya semangat. Bukannya Alisha tidak pernah putus cinta sebelum ini. Entah kenapa, kali ini terasa sangat sakitnya. Hilang segala semangatnya untuk meneruskan pelajaran, untuk meneruskan hidup. Hilang.
Hari ketiga, Alisha paksa dirinya untuk bangun. Melihat Alisha cuba mencari kekuatan untuk bangun, ibunya, Puan Niza cepat-cepat mencadangkan agar mereka berdua menghabiskan masa di salun rambut. Memang itu kebiasaan Alisha setiap kali break up, dia akan ke salun dan mengubah gaya rambutnya. Hari itu, Alisha memutuskan untuk memotong pendek rambutnya yang panjang hingga ke pinggang itu. Dia mahukan gaya rambut Hazel Grace di dalam filem The Fault in Our Stars. Malangnya, tukang gunting itu tersalah potong menyebabkan rambutnya jadi pendek seperti lelaki.
Hal ini membuatkan keyakinan Alisha jatuh merudum. Dia tidak lagi berasa bahawa dirinya cantik. Keyakinannya terus hilang dan rasa insecure yang ada semakin menebal. Pulang dari salun itu, Alisha baru teringat hendak menelefon kawan baiknya, Yuna, untuk memberitahu hal yang satu itu. Kekuatan dikumpul, telefon dicapai dan nombor Yuna didail.
“Hello! What’s up?” Sapa Yuna dihujung talian.
“Well, um… Aku dengan Rauf dah break up.” Alisha sendiri semacam tidak percaya apa yang baru saja dituturkan itu.
“What?! Seriously?!” Nyaring suara Yuna menjerit di hujung sana.
“Salah aku. I brought up Anis again. Benda macam ni, borak-borak dengan Zara pasal cincin. Lepas tu, aku rasa Zara terlepas cakap kot yang Rauf pun pernah bagi cincin dekat Anis. Aku pun bodohlah pergi tanya Rauf. Of course lah meroyan sekali. I said I don’t feel special anymore, because before he said he had never done such things dengan Anis.”
“Tak akan sebab tu je break?”
“Yeah… After that, he just said ‘It’s better if we just break up'. And terus letak phone. Actually, this happened two days ago. Aku baru ada kekuatan nak cerita dengan kau hari ni. I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay. Aku faham. Tapi tak boleh gak Rauf terus blah macam tu je. Benda boleh bawa berbincang. Mummy tahu tak ni?”
“He’s all fed up kot. Two days aku macam mayat hidup, kerja menangis je. Yeah, I’m at home. Lepas break up tu aku terus minta mummy ambil aku balik. Today, I chopped off all my hair.”
“Weh kau biar betul? Apa teruk sangat Rauf buat kau ni sampai rambut yang kau sayang sangat pun kau buang?”
“Hm. Entahlah. Okeylah, Yun. I got to go. Later okay?”
“Be strong ya? Aku sayang kau.”
“Aku sayang kau juga,”
Nyata, Alisha masih belum cukup kuat. Air matanya mengalir lagi.
‘God, take this pain away. Ease my mind, ease my heart.’ Pinta hatinya sebelum terlelap. Tidur, di mana dia boleh lari dari realiti dunia yang menyakitkan ini, walau sekejap.
1) Yes, it's a true story - some parts are a bit exaggerated.
2) And this is a raw, unedited storyline - 5 am writing frenzy. So sorry for the crappy sentences ke grammar errors ke. Huhu.
“Promise me you would smile like that again.” Years had passed, yet she can hear him saying that clearly. She was staring at her iPad, the screen showing a picture of her smiling so widely. It was taken back on the last day of SPM. The day when all the worries, fears and stresses were all gone. Looking at the picture, she realised that it has been awhile since she last smile like that. Since she last felt such happiness and relieved.
“Maybe when I graduated university with honours. Or maybe when I get married to a prince. But I promise you, I will smile like that again, some day.”
She looked out the window, sipping her favourite caramel latte. She got lost in her train of thoughts, reminiscing the memory of him. It has been a month since she last talked to him. It was not his fault, it was hers. She avoided him and not a day went by that she does not miss him. Only, she was not ready to face him.
He was just another guy she knew off Wechat - an app for the loners and desperate. Most of the people she knew from that app bore her to death but he was the only exception. Within seconds of knowing each other, they ‘clicked’ instantly. He was fun to talk to, understanding and most importantly at the same level of thinking as her - that was why she had so much trouble being friends with people, she just has a rather different way of thinking. She needed a shoulder to cry on and he was always there, so they became great friends.
“We can be friends, but promise me you will not fall for me,” he said one day. The reason was that he already had a girlfriend. She knew the fact that controlling the heart is almost impossible. Promising something like is ridiculous. But she was heartless then, too broken to even feel anything, so she said, “I promised”.
For years, they stayed great friends. She knew over the years he had fall for her and he struggled with his feelings. But both would not admit that, they tried pushing the thoughts away. He was still in a relationship with his girlfriend and did not want to hurt her, but his heart was no longer with her. And she was just too broken to acknowledge his feelings for her. She was afraid she might not be able to return it.
They were doing fine pretending they don’t have feelings for each other. Until a few days ago…..
“Rish, are you free tomorrow?” he asked while they were talking on the phone.
“No, of course I’m not free. I never will be. I’m priceless,” she replied. “Why?”
“Let’s go have a coffee date? My treat. Or do you want to do something else?”
“Awwhhh…. My Hazzy misses me. Coffee date sounds great!” she replied with her squeaky chipmunk voice that made her undeniably adorable. She always use that voice to ask him for something and that would just melts his heart. “But where?” she asked.
“Of course I miss you, who wouldn’t? Anywhere would do. Just as long as we can sit and talk.” He heard her laugh and that just made him fall for her even more.
He picked her up from her university the next day. After half an hour of arguing on where to go, they finally settled for they favourite cafe, The Sewels Coffee and Cakes. That was where they met for the first time. He was still with his girlfriend but he still occasionally has a date with Risha. And Risha doesn’t mind as she only sees them as best friends and having a coffee date every now and then won’t bring any harm.
“I have something to tell you,” he broke the silence that fell between them while Risha drank up her coffee.
“Okay, go, shoot.” She continued nibbling on her straw and cookies while waiting for Hazrin to open his mouth.
“I’m not sure if it was not obvious enough. Or that you just didn’t notice it. Or if you pretended not to know..” He paused. Unsure whether to go on with his words or not.
“About what? Know what?” She asked, gesturing for him to continue on.
“My feelings for you….” He saw her smile understandingly at that, but she kept her mouth shut. So he went on. “You know I love you… And it’s no longer as a friend. I don’t see you like that anymore. I don’t want to keep you as that anymore. I want us to be more than just a friend. I’m not good with words like you are, all I know is that I’m truly, madly in love with you and I just want to be with you for the rest of my life.”
She was still smiling but she was staring blankly at her coffee. “And what about your girlfriend?” she asked, softly.
“I don’t want to hurt her. But my heart is just not with her anymore and keeping her around is just mean. Staying with her is pointless. I… I… I just don’t know what to do.”
“Haz… Can you send me home?” she asked and got on to her feet slowly. She was lost in her thoughts and kept quite for the entire ride home. Hazrin was driving anxiously. He kept asking her if she was okay and all she did was nod slowly. Somehow, she just shut down and everything just went by with a blur.
Her phone rang, bringing her back to reality.
A month has passed since that day. She has been searching for the right words to say to Hazrin. But nothing would come. The problem was not him. She did not blame him for feeling such way. She knew for a fact that feelings are just hard to control. You can never control who you fall in love with. She did feel sorry for his girlfriend but that was a problem he had to take care of.
He was a great guy. Caring, sweet, hopelessly romantic and everything a girl could ever asked for in a guy. He was great to talk to, always there offering a shoulder for Risha to cry on. He was also one of the rare guys that can keep up with her dramas. He never minds to spend a fortune for her, willing even. He would always get her what she wants. In fact, he was the guy she has been wishing, looking and hoping for. She has always wanted a guy just like him.
He was just wonderful. Every second with him, the hole in her heart seems to shrink a little and the emptiness she felt seems to fade away. He was indeed her knight in shining armour. But somehow, she still can’t open up her heart for him, or anyone for that matter. She thought she would feel a spark when he confessed to her, but no, nothing. She was also too scared of repeating her past. She didn’t want to be labelled as a boyfriend stealer, again.
She just can’t afford to go through the same pain all over again. She didn’t think she can ever handle another heartbreak if this relationship doesn't work out. She was too afraid of the future that she didn’t even dare to imagine them being more than friends. She didn’t have the strength to face the pain and stresses of being the third person.
In a few hours, she’ll be flying off to the UK and long-distance relationship is hard. She can’t make him wait for her. It’s not that she didn’t love him, she just can’t afford losing her best friend over a fail relationship. That was what has been playing in her mind for the whole month avoiding him. Knowing that she didn’t has much time, she grabbed a pen and paper and started writing all of her heart content.
She folded the paper with a smile and on the top, she wrote, 'Untuk Hazrin'. Finally, she was able to let it all out. She reached for her phone and saw it was a text from Hazrin.
“I’ll see you at the airport?”
“Hi,” said Hazrin once he saw Risha. She gave him a thin smile, obvious that she was sad to leave her family behind. To leave her best friend, Yuna, behind. To leave him. “I’ve been missing you,” continued Hazrin.
“Here, it’s my answer to what you said a month ago. I hope it’s enough. I’m so sorry I avoided you. I just didn’t know what to say.” Hazrin saw that she was starting to cry and he hugged her. That made her tears came strolling her cheeks like a waterfall. “I wish we had spent more time together before I left.”
“Shh… Don’t cry. It’s okay. You don’t owe me any apology. Have a safe flight, have fun there and do take a good care of yourself, my dearest. I’ll always be here if you ever need me.”
“Read it only when I’m no longer in your sight okay?” With that, she went to hug her family and Yuna goodbye before walking to the departure gate, she never looked back.
“Till we meet again, Haz.”
4 a.m Heart Talk
It’s 4 a.m in the morning. Brian McKnight’s Marry Your Daughter is playing in the background. And my mind is filled with the thoughts of him. This song became his favourite instantly after I sent it to him. He wanted to forward it to my dad. But it's all over now. Nothing is left but memories of us.
How many times have I pushed away the fact that I miss him, that I miss what we had? How many times have I stopped myself from being sad? How many times have I denied the fact that I still love him? How many times have I swallowed back my tears? I stopped, forbid even, myself from feeling lost. From feeling all the hurt. I acted as if his words, his actions don't hurt me. I could hear my heart rips every time he says something bad about me, every time he talks about her. I died inside but I pretended that I was okay, I was not affected by it, I was not hurt.
Every time I feel like crying, I feel like being sad, my mind is filled with the thought of him being happy with someone else. Why should I be sad when he's happy with her? Why should I cry when he's laughing there? Why should I miss him when all he thinks about is her? These questions stop me every time. Even when I force myself to cry, just to let go of the burden, the tears wont come. I'd sit blinking in the dark with the memories of him playing in my mind.
2 months passed and yet, I still feel the pain. It's rather unfair how things turn out. I'm here feeling all miserable but trying hard to conceal that. While he's there happily badmouthing me. As if the break up was my fault. As if I was the one who left. As if I was the only one with the mistakes. It's unfair. And it makes me sad - mad even - that he fails to see that. I'm not sure why. Why he's so blinded by hatred to me that he doesn't see the good in me anymore. Why he's so consumed by ego that he only sees my wrongs and not his. How did he change so much? Why did he change so much? This is not the boy I fell in love with. I know something in him changed.
He wont listen to anything I said. He wont see the truth in it. He's blinded by hatred. So blind. He couldn't even talk to me normally, even. Why? Am I that bad? Am I that horrible? What did I do that makes him hate me so much? What did I do that makes him badmouthing me without a slight of guilt? Where have all the love gone? The pain I'm feeling is indescribable. Sometimes I'm mad, sometimes I'm sad. It's all mixed up. And I fought hard against it. But now I'm tired. Tired of pretending. Tired of being strong. Can I just give up now?
God, ease the pain away.
God, make him see again.
God, save him.
God, help me.